A Testimony Of God's Grace Displayed In My Life

God has been doing so much in my life, it is hard to narrow it down into words. Last night I tried to talk to my parents about it, but it just ended up getting all mixed up in my brain. So now as I sit here in bed I am going to do my best to articulate the wondrous work God has been doing in my life.

To begin, I must go back to high school. Things were not perfect for me, I had my struggles, but life seemed to move in a clear direction. I was a Christian who went to church, was homeschooled some but also went to Christian school, I was involved in ministries and loved life. Unlike many I knew, drinking, smoking and partying were never desirable to me. And even when there became the slightest appearance of me heading in the wrong direction, my parents, specifically my dad, would firmly but graciously guide me from it. From there the obvious next step for me was to go to Bible college and get my Bible degree and begin a life of "ministry." So that is what I did. After a short stop in Hawaii, I was off to the #1 Bible college in the country.

That year ended up being very different than I expected and left me reeling in confusion, but God did something mid-year which was far more significant than all that. He told me, "Ryan, I want you to marry Hannah." It was as clear as day, the words being spoken in my head. It was God Himself making in the most undeniable way possible my direction clear. Within a week, Hannah and I were together and planning to get married. So would I continue back to school next fall? That was the major question. Practicality more than anything made that decision for me. There was no possible way we could afford for me to continue there.

Then God threw us a curveball and we thought, He must want us to go to the New Tribes Bible School. Yeah! That must be it! It makes perfect sense for us! So thus we began planning. Did God ever specifically tell me that was what He wanted? No. But when it got close to us going, did He make it clear that we should hold off? No. But once again practicality caused us to wait. We were not emotionally or financially ready for that. Then a year went by and we were asked the entire time by people from church, "So when are you going to Bible school!" The excitement in their voices was clear as day, to them just like to us, it was exactly where we should go! But as time drew near for us to go, God decided to make His will known. "Forsake all, and follow me," He said, and though I did not hear those exact words, I knew that was exactly what God was saying to me. So I checked my pride at the door and after a wonderful talk with my dad I was able to let myself go.

So what did it mean to "let myself go" you might ask? Well up until that point I had always felt like I had control and had a set direction and had everyone cheering me on. The thought of stepping out of the path I had been pursuing and which everyone expected us to follow left me... humble. So letting myself go was really letting my pride go. And thus God humbled me.

Following that, we settled in (to an extent) but still did not feel settled. Next came the obstacle of debt, which we still are fighting today. It came like a thief in the night and left me feeling helpless. But though God did not like the debt, he used it to teach me to trust Him for everything we have. So what next? Well, there came a time where I thought it was my calling to get involved in inner-city ministry, but when Riley Joy came along that was dashed. Though now it is clear that God never wanted me there.

Then came other ministries, I wanted inside to be in all of them. Until our marriage I had been into everything at church, but now was limited to little or no church "ministries." Was that because I was not being a good Christian or that my marriage was "holding me back" from serving? No, it was just God's will that we should be together and grow together. So much happened during those first two years that we had nothing we could do but cling to God and to each other. Though to those around us I am sure we looked like some sort of "lesser" Christian and kept reinforcing it through trying to bully us into church programs. Is that really all that ministry is? Just a program off a checklist from church? But though all this, God kept saying, "It is not about them, it is about Me."

And the year 2oo8 arrived and once again I thought it was time to go back to school. So I did everything I was supposed to and got everything set up only to have God say to me, "I want you." Soon after that I felt clear as day one night that Jesus Himself came to us and stood by our bed, filling me with the most wonderful comfort that only He can give. God wants me, and this time in my life is not about looking good to other people or even fulfilling my desire to continue schooling. God want my heart and mind to be all His and rather than delving into books and worrying about grades, God want me to delve into Him and get to know Him more while at the same time ministering to those around me. The number of ministry opportunities God has presented to Hannah and I blows me away. Most of the time we did not know that we were ministering and yet He was using us to minister to those around us. Now THAT is the kind of ministry that I want! It is ministering in exactly the way He want us to!

It is incredible that what seems foolish to other can be God working in mighty ways. Our fallen senses can never pick up on all that He is doing. I feel like His cloud has settled for us, like it did for the Israelites. Will we be here forty days or forty years? We will see. But whatever happens, God will be the one guiding. People can think what they like of us, but God's opinion is the one that counts. Every small step we have taken has been a small step forward in His will. He has used every bit of our life to further us in His path, not necessarily the path we chose for ourselves.

In the midst of trouble, stress, and great joy, God has been here, guiding all along. When we felt like we were farthest from Him, He was just preparing our hearts for something new. And now He feels near and I feel so much peace and comfort from it. He has been so gracious to us and we have no way to thank Him but to give our lives to Him. Where will we be in ten years? I don't know. But I do know that I want to humbly seek His face in everything we do. God has been so faithful to us though I can hardly say we were the same back. But we serve a gracious, wonderful God that has saved us and looks past our failing to the righteousness we have inherited by the sacrifice of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Though I do not know exactly what I am doing all the time, I know one thing for certain, I am all in. I humbly present myself to my Lord as His servant to be led wherever He should desire and give my life to Him.